Remarrying After The Death Of A Spouse - What You Need to Know

Life is more beautiful and enjoyable when you have a special person to share it with. Yes, your children would be there, but they will eventually move on and have lives of their own.

Falling in love after death is a gift because you were given another chance to share your life and love with someone else. When you move on, you are closing one chapter of your life and opening a new one. Note that closed chapters are just that — closed but not forgotten, disregarded, or thrown away. It's always going to be there when you have the yen to turn back the pages. But a second chance means another opportunity to create a brand-new chapter filled with new memories to cherish.

Two paychecks are very much welcome especially in today’s day and age. With your spouse passing on, you don't just suffer the physical and emotional loss but a financial one as well. You may find yourself working hard, putting in extra hours to compensate for your then combined income.

The process of agreeing on the finances may not be easy and will be a huge bout of trial and error. It would take time to come up with arrangements finally, but it is always good to share financial responsibilities with someone rather than face it alone.

Remarrying has an absolute positive to your psychological well-being, especially in the aspects of:

• Loneliness - When you lose your spouse, deep loneliness enfolds you because you are suddenly alone without the person you vowed to be with and love forever. Permitting yourself to be happy again by meeting someone new and eventually remarrying is like reaching the light at the end of that tunnel of grief.
• Depression - The prolonged feeling of sadness and vulnerability plus grief is a dark time for anyone who lost their partner. Depression is one of the most tedious and longest phases of grieving.  Remarrying can help you cope with depression because you can focus on something else and invest all your energy in building a new life with another person. You have another purpose in life that would cause you to get out of your misery.
• Resolution of grief - Remarrying can give you a full closure that what is lost is forever lost, and it is time to start a new adventure. This doesn't mean forgetting your departed spouse but finally accepting without resentment or guilt that your present and future will be shared with a new life partner.
• Self-growth - Everyone learns from death. It is a painful lesson that teaches you to value relationships more and not take anything for granted. You understand that things can change, and people come and go. When you remarry, you take everything you learned and become a renewed and mended (hopefully better) version of yourself. You tend not to commit the same mistakes as before, and you grow as a person and as a life partner. Remarriage gives you that opportunity.

After losing your spouse, you either exert all your energy on being a parent or on your work. You gradually transition to a single’s lifestyle because it's the only direction you can head to since you are now alone though not by choice. When you remarry, you have to be prepared to share your life, time, and everything with someone again and become a partner considerate of another individual.

After the death of your spouse, you make the decisions. You take accountability, and you handle everything on your own. This will change when you remarry. Moving forward, decisions should be discussed with your new partner, and it needs to be mutual and fair for both sides. You have to re-learn to compromise and meet someone in the middle.

As a widow, you might be qualified and eligible or currently receiving some pension or social security benefits. When you decide to get married again, those benefits may be withdrawn.

It’s the same with healthcare. If you are already eligible for Medicaid, this too can be affected when you remarry. Your new spouse and his assets would affect your eligibility, and as a result, you may no longer be qualified for this health benefit.

You have to be prepared that not everyone in your family (kids especially) will happily accept your remarrying plans. This is a huge decision and a big leap, and there might be some family members who would try to change your mind or downright object to your decision. As funny as it sounds, that's normal, and that's what family is all about. You do not always have to see eye to eye. 

What's harder is if your children are not 100% supportive of the decision. This makes everything different because, as parents, you want to share your happiness with your children, and you want your children to be genuinely happy and be there for you too. This is why it is important to establish a good friendship between your new partner and the rest of your family because marriage is never only the union of two independent individuals.

This feeling of guilt that you are finally moving on and starting to be happy and not with a new spouse could continue to eat at you. This is completely normal, especially in the early parts of your new relationship. It is just another manifestation of your strong emotions, especially your love for your deceased spouse.

But it is up to you to release these guilt feelings. Marrying again after loss is alright. It doesn't mean you're forgetting the past and dishonoring your late husband or wife.

This is something you and your new partner should concur on. Some would suggest that getting married is the best and legal way. A widower remarrying or a widow remarrying is legally acceptable, and if the adoption of the kids is one of the objectives, it makes the process easier.

This is the most crucial aspect of any new relationship. Telling them that you plan on remarrying can be nerve-racking and stressful. For most parents who value the opinions of their kids, this can be a make or break conversation.

After the loss, a huge percentage of surviving parents focus all their attention and effort on their kids. There are times that every member of the bereaved family gets through with the loss and grief because the death has bonded them. Sometimes, this becomes a permanent set-up.

If you and your new partner are serious and are 100% certain about your plans to marry, then work on building a relationship with the other’s children early on. This is not something that you surprise them with. Kids who are friends with your partner have higher chances of getting along when turned into a family.

Here are some ways to have them try to understand that a parent moving on after death of spouse is alright and that you need their support and would want their blessing and consent.

You have to consider the existing debts of both parties and discuss payment terms. Again, this is entirely an agreement between the two of you, especially if the existing debt came into place before your marriage. Whatever decision you arrive at, ensure it is mutual and taken with a lot of thought.

Others might opt to have a single joint account, and this is also perfectly acceptable as long as you’re both comfortable with the idea.

With two families involved, new traditions can be created, and holidays would be a gathering of different sets of families. Family traditions that were established before are events that can still be continued.

This might be a simple question of who’s moving to whose house or as tricky as who is moving to another state to be together. This is not a light decision and takes careful thought and planning to make certain that it is the best solution for both of you.

The guilt of moving on after the loss of a spouse is more during the initial weeks and months of the new marriage. If not addressed in time, it can create tensions in the new union that may eventually cause it to crumble.

You cannot set a timeline for someone else’s grief whether it is your own children or your stepchildren. They may find it difficult to accept the new partner wholly, without any resentment or negativity and this can lead to tensions in the new union.

The disapproval of a close-knit circle of family and friends may also cause a lot of strain on the new marriage. Expect and accept that your remarrying may not be taken positively by all your family and friends.

While you may not need their approval, having their support can make it easier for you and your spouse. Attempt to find out reasons for their disapproval and have them meet your new partner, but remember, you cannot please everyone, and that includes loved ones. 

Entering a union means living together, and one of you would have to move out and move in unless both of you plan to purchase a new property as you start a new marriage. If one of you already owns a house, buying a new home is impractical, and deciding on the house that is to be the family home can be a source of disagreement. Remember to compromise and adjust where possible for the greater good.

In any relationship, there should be zero room for comparison. It is not only rude and unfair but incredibly hurtful. Live in the present without involving people who have already passed on.